女博士的求婚清单

01

先说本人,加拿大社会科学女博士在读,未婚,现居温哥华,中国籍。我还有个双胞胎姐姐,她是美国纽约大学公共卫生系的教授。姐妹俩虽都在北美,见面机会却不多。

两年前我在交友网站上认识了加拿大籍男友 Rene,同龄,本科,网络游戏程序员,独子。

去年下半年我回中国田野调查,两个人远距离9个月,交往两年期间,关系稳定。上个月我在美国的双胞胎姐姐打电话来说医生建议她立即手术。男友得知姐姐的病情,立刻帮我查询机票,建议我尽快飞到纽约帮姐姐平安度过术后恢复期。

我与Rene 本没有明确的结婚计划,却因为他的这番表现,我突然生出与他长相厮守的念头来。纽约临行前,我花半天时间给 Rene 写了一封信,告诉他我对婚姻以及我俩关系的理解,从前我俩也聊过,我们认为结婚可早可晚,可有可无,重要的是两个人彼此坦诚。

我在写这封信时不禁深深感叹,在选择人生伴侣这件事上,人生经历对婚恋观的作用实在是太大了。我不能想象,如果自己没有在20来岁时出国留学,没有过去十几年来中美两岸奔波的经历,能否全然按照自己的心意选择结婚对象,或者有不婚的选择。

附上写给男友的求婚清单,英文原文加上中文翻译,方便大家阅读。

02

A life proposal: Why Rene should consider marrying Bei? 人生提议:Rene为什么要考虑和北结婚?由北起草

Prerequisite Rene和我的共识

Marriage is an option, not a necessity. 结婚是个选项,而非必需。

We’ve already had several rounds of conversation discussing the meaning of marriage. We both agree that marriage is socially structured. It’s for men and women who desire an agreement that will mutually benefit them.

我们俩已经针对婚姻的意义进行过几轮讨论。我们都意识到婚姻是社会制度的产物,是男女双方出于共同利益达成的协议。

We choose marriage based on our own decision, rather than what has been suggested or driven by any other person. We will not get married because of social pressure. We are both satisfied as to who we are, what we do, how we feel. We appreciate each other’s company. No one will manipulate us because of the decisions we make. In other words, we will continue to enjoy being who we truly are with or without marriage.

我们选择婚姻是基于自身意愿,而不是受人驱使或胁迫。我们不会因为社会压力而结婚。我们俩对自己是什么样的人、自己所做的事和感受都挺知足。我们感恩对方的陪伴,没有人对我们的决定指手画脚。换言之,无论结不结婚,我们都将继续享受现在拥有的一切。

Love is an ingredient of the good romance, but marriage doesn’t end there. 爱是浪漫关系的原料,不过要结婚的话,光有爱是不够的。

As a good foundation for our relationship, we fully accept the person we fall in love with. We consider marriage by being consciously honest to ourselves.We don’t have an agenda to change the other. Honesty and acceptance is our relationship’s main course, and love is the ingredient that adds flavor to it.

我们两个人关系的基础是彼此全然接受对方。如果我俩选择结婚,那是对自身的坦诚。我们没打算改造对方。自我诚实和接受对方是我们关系的主旋律,而爱,更像是调味品,给我们的关系增添情趣。

We have practical reasons to go forward on a solid marriage plan. 我们有务实的理由启动结婚计划。

We are not naive about the practical benefits of getting married. These reasons include, but are not limited to the political, financial, and psychological benefits. We will only consider marriage if we mutually trust each other and are ready to discuss the benefits and the details of getting married.

我们并不否认结婚能给自己带来切实利益,包括政治、财务和心理上的,但不限于此。当我们信任对方、准备好讨论各种利益和细节,才会考虑结婚。

Why Bei is a good candidate for marriage? 为什么应该选北为结婚对象?

An authentic person: Consistent and caring as core criteria for everyday life. 一个真实的人:表里一致、关心他人,这是维持生活日常最重要的性格品质。

Like 90% of women, sometimes I’m a little crazy. My craziness is just the right amount, neither too little to make you bored nor too much where I’d go out of control and burn down the house. My temper level is considerably low-to-medium, and I rely on my close female friends and family as allies.

我跟绝大多数女人一样,有时是有点疯。但这种疯狂恰到好处,不至于少到让人憋闷无聊,又不会多到失控要放火烧掉房子的地步。我的脾气可算是相当好了,有闺蜜和家人的支持,总体上情绪稳定。

I don’t push anyone to do the things they resist. And very often, I am comfortable with people even they are control freaks to a certain degree. Since we don’t plan to have any children, I don’t predict a dramatic personality switch for us in our long-term relationship.

我不强人所难。大部分时间里,我跟人相处哪怕遇到控制欲蛮强的人都觉得挺自在。咱俩说好没打算生娃,所以从长远的关系看,我猜自己也不会性格突变,歇斯底里。

Highlyintelligent: Pursuing a self-supported, fulfilling lifestyle that is open to all kinds of possibilities. 智商高:追求一种开放、自立、自我满足的生活方式。

I like to entertain myself by paying attention to ordinary life and writing down my thoughts and observations. I am bold and original, and I allow myself to make mistakes. I don’t want to waste my talent on living an ordinary life. I live life on my own terms. For everything I say above, I have you in my mind to pursue this lifestyle.

我没拿别人的生活标准当回事,我对创造性生命的定义是关注平凡的生活,写下自己的想法,自我娱乐。我勇敢,有独立见解,允许自己犯错。我不想把我的才能浪费在庸俗的生活状态上。我要过自己的生活。谈到追求刚才说到的这种生活方式时,我的脑子里全是你。

I know we already have a lot of things in common: we love to travel, we are not afraid of visiting new places, we love the environment, we love original artwork, and we ARE creative. We don’t give a shit about arrogant people, and we don’t care about being socially accepted wherever we happen to be. I know you are better than me on this, and I have received great advice from you.

我知道咱俩有很多共同点:喜欢旅行,不惧怕去陌生的地方,我们热爱环境,都喜欢原创艺术,不走寻常路。我们都对傲慢的人不屑一顾,咱俩无论到哪,都不大理会服从社会规训。我知道你在这方面比我强,也从你那里得到过很棒的忠告。

You’re such a nerd, and I’m so un-Chinese. Let’s be frank about these things and create a fulfilling us-land with a sense of purpose. I’m willing to support you, so you can achieve your dreams and will stand by your side as you pursue them.

你真是个书呆子,我呢,也不算是典型的中国人。对于这一点,咱俩就坦率地承认吧,我们应该过一种原创的生命体验,那是一种赋予意义的、饱满真诚的生活。我愿意全力支持你,帮你实现你的梦想,在逐梦路上我们并肩作战!

Willing to improve myself  乐于完善自我

I am a Ph.D. candidate. I like to solve problems using the scientific method. I could draft a proposal using the Paper App, or dig into the scientific literature of sexual behavior. I want to make our life less boring and more creative. I am happy to conduct experiments, survey questionnaires, interviews, and observations in order to know you better. The purpose for doing so is to bring an unexpected joy to you.

我是博士生,也爱运用科学解决问题。撰写这篇求婚清单,我就尝试用一款名为Paper的文案应用软件,还有当咱俩在xoxo方面有分歧时,我还搜索了性行为研究的权威学术文献,而不是从日本动作片上寻找答案。我不想让咱生活得像白开水,而是充满了创造力。为了更好的了解你,我愿意调动实验、调查、访谈和科学观察等种种科研手段,让你总有意料之外的快乐和惊喜。

I know that a 9-5 job isn’t your first choice. I appreciate it when you do the things on your to-do list, rather than on your favorite things list. However, I hope to live a more meaningful life with you by helping you do more things on your favorite things list. Together, we will add to that list.

我也知道你不喜欢朝九晚五。所以当你主动自我牺牲,去做那些所谓应该做而你未必爱做的事时,我心里面是相当领情,感激你的。不过你放心,我会支持你去做那些让你心潮澎湃有热情的事,跟你过更有意义的生活。为了这个目标,咱俩一起努力!

03

几天前,我和姐姐聊到中美文化在女性审美方面的差异。从外形上,中国人偏爱白弱美,年龄不超过25-27的未婚女性是人们普遍认可的理想结婚对象,不少中国男性把小龙女当成梦中情人。而北美则没有“女神标配”,各族群、年龄段、高矮胖瘦都有美人,各花入个眼。

另外,在谈及一对男女的匹配度时,中国人更强调家庭背景和个人条件上“门当户对”,而美国人则比较看重两个人在价值观、生活方式上是否协调。从我个人的社交圈子看,在选择人生伴侣时,女方只要身体健硕、懂得感恩、思想独立、有蓬勃生机,无论到哪都绝对加分。所以我认为前段时间网上传播的北京相亲角鄙视链,只不过代表了目前国内大众婚恋市场的取向。

女博士和女强人不被看好,甚至被认为是婚恋市场的底层人群,说到底,是因为社会的进步跟不上女性进步的步伐,大众审美还不够多元。

高知女性群体——包括高智商、高学历、30岁以上和高收入的女性的偏见标签比比皆是。比如说,当她们和男性同样在正当表述个人主见时,一旦占了上风,就会被认为是女魔头。在科研领域,和同龄男性相比,女硕士很少在毕业后选择继续从事更高领域的科研岗位,早早放弃学术生命。

我的父母在教导我们两姐妹时,甚至也说到东方美人之所以在男性眼中比西方现代女性的性魅力更胜一筹,那是因为在私生活方面更加含蓄顺从,而不是挑逗热烈。洁身自好这个词,在中国话里可以用来骂人的,一旦有人当着你的面说这个词,就暗示你违反了某种秘而不宣的行为准则。然而在西方发达国家语境下,公开对女性发表类似的道德评论,弄不好要被对方诉讼性侵犯或人身攻击。

所以,我把写给男友的信公开,想尽绵薄之力,提醒每一个有独立意识的中国人:高知女性并不是一个孤立的群体。你身为其中的一份子,或许在生活中受到各种不公待遇,但没必要自降身价去跟大众智商找平。

年轻和不太年轻的女生们,请珍惜自己的学识,与志同道合者同行。精神上的自由来之不易,我们不要放弃。

Leave a Reply